


At First

by JessiMarie



Category: The Avengers (Marvel Movies), Thor (Movies)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Eating Disorders, Good Loki, M/M, Mental Breakdown, Mental Health Issues, Self Confidence Issues, Self-Harm, loki never fell, never met avengers
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-10-10
Updated: 2014-11-24
Packaged: 2017-12-29 00:16:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 2,035
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/998599
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/JessiMarie/pseuds/JessiMarie
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Loki didn't always feel this way. He was normal at first. At first</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

He didn’t always feel this way when he looked in the mirror. Loki didn’t always twist and turn to see every angle, inspecting any and every imperfection. It wasn’t always bad, there used to be good times too. Times where he could eat, and not want to die, or hold a knife and not wish to turn it upon himself. Loki wasn’t always messed up.

  
The problem was, he just couldn’t remember those times anymore. They were so far away, buried under so much self hatred and loathing, that to even attempt to find them was more painful than anything he could inflict upon himself physically.

  
When did it start? Was it when Sif commented on how much he was eating after a particularly hard training? Or when the medic in the hospital wing of the palace mentioned he was looking for filled out?

No one ever said anything to Thor. He ate three times as much as Loki did, even when Loki indulged himself.

  
It wasn’t an addiction when he started his 'diet'. He just ate more vegetables, less meat and dessert. Exercising more with Thor, Sif, and the Warriors Three. Everything was normal, he was just getting healthy.

  
That was at first.

  
Then, it changed to smaller portions, more water. Only water, no food, constant training. Oh,he accidently ate some dessert? Then he slipped and accidently cut himself with his daggers. Just to show him what happened when he ate so much.

  
What made it worse, he thinks, is that nobody noticed for the longest time. When he started skipping meals, no one questioned why. When he did attend meals but ate nothing and only picked at his food, no one asked if he was okay. No one noticed for such a long time. 'That’s why it got so bad' , he tells himself, 'nobody saw it so how could he know it to be wrong?'

  
Loki doesn’t see it as a disease, or what have you, he simply sees it as a habit. Albeit a slight detrimental habit.

  
They call him delusional for his reasoning, saying that it has no meaning. He’s killing himself they tell him, but he knows it not true. He eats Idunns apples, the same as they do, he cannot die. Not over something as trivial as FOOD.

Or lack thereof he thinks sarcastically.

  
Now he sits in the dining hall with his 'family' and they all watch him. He cannot leave until he eats, but they do not understand.

He can’t eat, it’s too difficult, and when they ask why he stumbles with his words. He isn’t quite sure why. That simple question, that they have been asking from the beginning suddenly makes him stop and think.

As he looks away, ashamed for reasons he doesn’t want to acknowledge, he knows it’s his fault they know in the first place.  
The day they found out, started normally. He didn’t eat breakfast with them; he just quietly sipped his water in bed before he got up to continue with his morning routine. As he walked to the bathroom, he felt odd, not entirely steady, and as he reached out for the counter he vomited up his water and, something else.

  
He kept vomiting, over and over. He duly noted the blood on the ground. He was vomiting blood, and a lot of it. It was everywhere, and that’s when Loki panicked and called for help.

  
He doesn’t remember much after that, but one memory is clear before he faded into the darkness. He saw is brother’s face, looking completely horrified.

  
He knows why. Not only was Thor forced to see his baby brother puking blood, but he also had to see him without his glamours. Without them, he was skin and bone. Nothing but grey skin pulled taut over his brittle bones. 

  
When he wakes up, he is in the hospital wing, his whole family is there, waiting for him to wake. It was easily one of the worst experiences of his life. They ddon't understand and he doesn't have anything to say. He can't say anything, nothing that they would believe.

  
Apparently, according to the medics, because he nothing in his stomach was eating itself. Thus causing open sores and leaking blood.

They forced nutrients into him with some of their magic but he needed to start eating or more permanent damage was going to occur.

  
Now, weeks later, at the dinner table, staring at him waiting, Odin starts to speak.

  
“Your mother and I have discussed what is to be done with you”, he says while looking at Loki intently.  
“Until you are healthy and sane once more, you will be going with Thor to Midgard.”

  
Loki sputtered, but before he could get any words out his father continued.

“You will be staying with his Midgard allies and will have constant surveillance. Your magic will also be suppressed until you are responsible enough to handle it ”, he said.

  
Loki sat there for a moment before finally saying the first thing that came to his mind. Looking back they were not his best choice, nor his most intelligent sounding.

  
“Hell. Fucking. No.”

  
Well, that was expected.


	2. Chapter 2

He was furious, so insanely angry with his parents and brother. Who were they to decide what was good for him? Loki knew his limits, he was fine. He was still breathing, his heart still beating, so what was the problem?

It wasn't like they cared before; this wasn't something that he started overnight.

Over a century.

That was how long it took for them to notice, to realize something wasn't right, and that only happened because Loki himself called for help.

"What a mistake," he said quietly to himself.

Loki was waiting for his oaf of a brother to come fetch him, to take him to his new prison.

He hated the fact he was being taken to his brothers MORTAL companions. The palace healers were perfectly capable of keeping watch over him.

Even as Loki thought this to himself, he knew why he was being sent to Midgard. The midgardian heroes weren't going to be quite as scared of him, or his powers, making it harder for him to escape.

Under all his anger and anxiousness, he felt a small sense of curiosity. He hadn't been to Midgard in over two hundred years and, as a result, never met Thor's little group.

Harsh thumping of footfalls coming towards his room brought him out of his thoughts. Loki looked up to see his father and mother waiting to take him to the bifrost where he would be met by his brother and taken to earth.

He glared up at his parents from his place on the bed, making no attempt to move towards them, even though his mother was giving him a calm loving smile.

His father sighed, "Please don't make this harder than it already is."

Loki glared as he rose from the bed, walking slowly to the door and passing his parents without as much as a glance towards them. He could hear his mother choke back a cry, but he didn't look.

The walk to the bifrost was quiet and slow. Quiet because Loki refused to speak to them, and slow because he was weak from the years of starving himself.

He stumbled once and practically snarled at his mother for trying to help him.

The trio finally arrived at the destination where Thor was waiting, looking very upset and uncomfortable.

As soon as they were all still, Thor spoke, "The son of Stark has agreed to house you until you are recovered,".

Odin nodded tightly, "Very good." As he said this handed his eldest son a pair of bracelets, "This are to be placed on your brother as soon as you are safely on Midgard. They will suppress his magic, removing all glamours he has on himself. He will not be able to hide his sickness this way.".

Thor grimaced as he looked down at the bracelets, knowing his brothers magic was his security blanket, but nodded.

Turning, he grasped Lokis wrist gently and bid farewell to his parents. In a flash, they were gone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello, so I know this is short, and quite poorly written but I'm not good at dialogue or multi-chaptered fics. I have this amazing piece of writing in my head that I would love to read, but there is no way for me to write it how I want it. It is very hard for me to turn my thoughts into words. I did try my best, and I will continue to try and do better, but please don't be too disappointed if I don't meet your standards. =]


	3. Chapter 3

The first thing loki noticed were the people around him.

There were six new figures that Loki assumed were the ‘Avengers’ as Thor called them. Second thing, they were all staring at him. 

Thor stepped around him,yelling, “Friends! This is my brother, Loki, I have told you about!”, he said in an awkward tone. 

An average sized mas with a strange beard and short brown hair scoffed and took a step forward. “Thor, buddy, I thought you said he was sick? He looks fine to me.”.

“Oh, yes. Thank you,I almost forgot.”, Thor muttered as he turned towards Loki ,”Forgive me for taking away your magic brother, but it must be done”.

Loki just scowled as he felt the bracelets resize to him. As he felt his magic be abruptly cut off from him he held in a cry. It felt as if he was just stabbed. 

He didn't have to look to see the shock present on their faces at the change in his appearance.

He was able to hear the intake of breaths around the room as his true state was revealed.

“Holy shit”, came from the same man as before.

“I am going to take my brother to his quarters, he needs rest.”, Thor muttered as he led Loki away.

Once they were gone, Tony immediately asked Jarvis for the live feed of them and hir room. 

“Isn’t that an invasion of privacy?”, Steve asked in a disapproving tone.

“I’m curious! You guys can’t say you aren't either! I mean, he came in looking right as rain and within a second, became a freaking zombie!”. 

Natasha and Clint looked at eachother before following Tony to a monitor, followed by Bruce and eventually a reluctant looking Steve.

As the sound turned on, they heard the end of Thor saying something that must have annoyed Loki. He scoffed before sitting on the bed, looking out the window.

“What was that? I have always been here for you brother!”

Loki turned and gave him an incredulous look, “You most certainly have not! Are you mental?”

“When have I not been there? I have always supported you, encouraged you and protected you! How can you deny that?”, Thor shouted.

Standing up in fury, Loki stalked towards while Thor jabbing him in the chest, 

”Always there for me? Where were you when I was raped by a fucking horse, gave birth and had my son taken away to be a lowly steed for his grandfather? 

Where were you when I got my lips sewn shut for one of YOUR mistakes? Supported and encouraged me? Don’t make me laugh!”.

Loki walked closer to his brother, faces only inches apart, staring into Thors eyes,  
“Want to know why I stopped telling you things? Because all you ever did was mock me. Shame me for being different. 

I excelled in magic and tricks and that is a cowardly way of fighting, yes? 

Do you forget the days you and the Warriors three would force me to battle you? Only, I was banned from using my only form of defense? No? Well, I never forgot.

Do not act like you are so holy and have been with me while I hid this ‘sickness’ from you. I haven’t eaten in over a century, did you know? No, I think not. 

Because, while you claim to be the most amazing and incredible brother, you left me to rot, alone while coming here to play hero to strangers and pine after a mortal woman! 

Do not act like you tried! 

Do not try to make yourself feel better by spewing lies brother, it suits you ill!”,

Loki heaved as he finished his rant, muttering his final words before he walked to the bathroom and before slamming the door he turned back and said his final words, “Lying is my area of expertise, so stop trying to fool me with my own games. I can't fool myself with lies, what on all the realms makes you think you can?”.

**Author's Note:**

> Hey guys this was just a midnight drabble and now I am posting it cuz I can! Alright hope you like it!


End file.
